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A lot on the mind today.

I've been thinking of February 8th 1997 and being wheeled in a chair beside 2 very eager parent with their hope all bundled in a 5lb 8oz little boy. I can only imagine what they were thinking/feeling that day. Is she going to back out, will we have a little family or will she change her mind and decide she wants to keep her parental rights?!?! I can remember sitting in the passenger seat as my mother walked around to the drivers side and just staring with a fake smile on my face. "It's what is best for him." "He deserves so much more than I can give him." were just a couple of thoughts racing through my mind trying to fill the void.

It's funny how the hospital staff was informed that this particular little bundle was being adopted and yet they all tried to press the small little baby into my arms every chance they got. I was in labor for 15 hours when he was finally brought into the world. He was 4 weeks premature and they whisked him away so they could determine just where I was hemorrhaging from but just as soon as he was deemed healthy and well the nurse brought him straight to me. A lot was hazy at that point but I'm told in recent conversations with my mother that the words that came out of my mouth were "his mother is over there" while I pointed towards her.

People often exclaim you are so strong for making that decision. I often remark how it was nothing and I didn't think twice about what was best for him...but the truth is, that day, February 8th, as we were leaving (4 days after his birth), I thought a million times about changing my mind. I can't remember what exactly my mother was saying as we pulled away from the hospital but I remember making a joke that I've never lived down and now think may actually be proving to come true.

"Watch, I just gave up the one and only child I will be able to have. I will have to be the one adopting when I'm ready".

I just turned 34 a little over ten days ago and there doesn't seem to be any childbearing in my upcoming future. A self fulfilling prophecy that has left me more than a little melancholy as of late.

February 4th 1997 Tyler John Lovely (baby boy Lovely as the staff called him) was born 5lbs 8oz 19.5 inches long at 11:55am.